Do It For Them
by IrisL'nfer
Summary: A butterfly flapping it's wings can cause a hurricane. Just like how an unwanted existence can create a disaster. A girl reincarnated in Naruto, struggling and trying to do the right thing, to pay for what she believes it's her sin. Become a ninja, for the girl whose life she steals from. Protect Konoha. Protect her precious people. The girl's precious people. Everything for them
1. Reborn.

Welcome.

...Ah, Please forgive me for my pathetic greeting, but...honestly I do not know how or where to begin the story...

Lets just start from the moment everything changed, in the most unpredictable way, then.

How should I say it...

Well...

I died. Congratulation.

Suprise? Maybe not. And no, this is not a joke.

I died, on a snowy day in December, in a car crash. I was walking on the street like a normal person would do in a normal day, trying to get back to my warm, comfortable home. I was crossing a small park before someone shouted out loud across the street, which made me turn back, annoyed and were about to tell them to keep quie-

And I understood why they shouted.

A car, suddenly and madly, dashed towards the walkway. The people around me quickly reacted: they screamed and panicked, fighting for a chance to run away from the out-of-control car, pushing and cursing at each other. However, there was an exception.

Me.

I fell down because of some bastard's push, and just simply stayed there, a statue, completely still and quiet, staring at the car with wide eyes that filled with shock. In just a few seconds, the car was in front of me.

And it hit me.

Pain. Pain exploded over all of my body. I heard a sick bone-crashing sound; probably my bones in all of my body. The big tyre was devoured my legs like an hungry, outrageous beast. Red, the gorgeous bright color, painted my sight, and I was flying from the power of the crash-

Splash!

Water.

I realized, with my strangely calm mind, I was surrounded by water. Right, there was a lake near where I walked. I always play with the ducks and fishes in that lake, enjoyed some rare peaceful moments that my mind would allow me to have...

And now, it has turned into my grave?

How sad. I hoped the fishes would not eat me...

Water filled up my lungs that has been damaged badly because of the car. I was alive, I still do not undertand how could I, and that was not a pleasant feelings.

It...hurted.

So bad. Worse than anything I had ever felt. My rib cage was definitely shattered in pieces, pulverized, maybe. My legs, as I could see in this vision, were curled in some weird angle, the part from the knee down had gone because of the tyres . The skin was ripped open, showing the pale reddish meat and some milky white bones, mixed together with the blood rich liquid. In conclusion, my body was destroyed

Such...a disturbing view. Ugly and scary, like a view from a cheap horror movie.

I was crushed and now drowning... I kept drowned down, down and down to the bottom of the lake. The normal, slightly muddy water has turned red because of my blood. I did not know a human body can lost so much blood. Cold water choked and strangled my poor lungs when the broken bones tortured me with the white hot pain. Ice and fire, burning in my veins.

Why couldn't I just die already?

I did not want to live with so much anguish.

"Let me die..." Somehow, I heard the muffle sounds that was my voice came out of my bloody mouth in form of some bubbles and blood, getting more water inside the body. But I do not care. The quicker I die, the lesser pain I feel. So, I opened my mouth and let the cold, dirty water chased away the precious oxygens and then despoiled every left spaces in my ruined body, and also my thought.

I was losing everything of myself to the water and death.

...It was...terrible.

Please, please please...Let Me Die. Let Me Die In Whole.

I did not want to lose every pieces of my mind like this...

Oh _pleasepleasepleasepleasepleaseplease_

Then, like an answer for my petty prayer, darkness devoured me.

It was over. No more white hot pain, no more red muddy cold water, no more ripped flesh and ruined body and blood...

Finally.

I could rest i-

Wait. How could my mind still work after Death?

Oh no.

This was not good...

Before I could clearly think about this... illogical situation, light came into my sight

 _No no no no no no no_.

I did not want to feel that pain again...

I did not want to be alive.

I struggled and tried to move my body; the key word was 'tried'. My body was not follow my order. It felt numb. I could not fight, no matter how much I tried, the light kept pulling me towards it.

 _No no no no no no no no no._

"Wahhhhhhhhhh!" I opened my mouth and cried, as loud as I could when the light touched and covered me. Frustation, pain, sorrow, wrath...Everything, I put it in my little childish tantrum and threw it back to the world. There was another sound next to me, but I did not care about that.

Let. Me. Die.

"Oh my god, look at them. Aren't they adorable?" A loving , tired woman's voice cooing above my head while I was being lift up in a soft matterial, warm and comfortable. I tried to move, but found myself unable to do that.

Oh. My. Freaking. Gems. Of. Diamonds.

I...I...

Please, God, do not tell me that...

I was reincarnated?!

Right when the woman-no, there was a possibility that she is my ( _new_ ) mother- curled around my ( _toosmallunnormalillogicalwrongwrongwrong_ ) body, I did the only thing I could, at the moment.

I cried.

I cried and cried and cried, screaming to get away from everything that was hurting my too young brain right now. I cried, begging for some invisible Gods or Goddesses that this twisted reality was a dream, a painful nightmare. I kept begging and whining and pleading. Please Please Please...

Just. Let. Me. Die.

But no one answered me.

No one.

 **"WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!"**


	2. Relization

"Sakura-chan! Kikuko-chan, look here!" I can hear my father's cooing and calling for our attention nonstop. The baby girl next to my lets out some meaningless sounds and turns away from him, annoyed. I decide to be better than her : I close my eyes and pretend to sleep.

"Noooooooo! Mebuki, my beautiful babies are ignoring meeeeeeeeee!"

Oh Dear. My ( _new_ ) father is so childish!

It has been a few weeks after my birth, and I am in a wood cradle with my twin sister Sakura and a new name, Kikuko.

I guess I am in Japan now. Well, I hope if I am still in my old world then it is not the time of Second World War. Who knows? Maybe I was reborn in a fictional world and going to be a heroine?

Haha.

Funny right? I am a big fan of fanfiction and fictional novel, so my imagination is awesome.

Oops, I get distracted...

Lets focus on the main point, then.

After my big tantrum, I was cuddle with my new family and figured out I have a twin now, how wonderful. My ma-mother seemed like a caring and gentle women, with quite a temper, if I was right. My father was a happy-go-lucky man, all the puns and silly jokes that I will never understand. My sight has been getting better compare to the first day I was here, which is half-blind to be honest, but I still can't see what exactly their skins and hairs color are, just plain, blurry black and white. However, they look nice enough, not gorgeous or too dazzling, just kinda good-looking and a pleasing sight. They love us already, even if we are some small, helpless and noisy babies now.

...However, I can not bring myself to care for them.

This...is notMYfamily.

I am not a baby! I am an adult, a grown-up, tired and living adult! I have sun-kissed skin, not this pale white ceramic skin... This is so wrong, so confusing, so unrealistic an-

' _This is your reality now_.' A voice sofly speaks in my head, and I have to hold back the urgent feelings to cry out.

Ah...

Right. I am dead.

White hot pain, dirty cold water mixed with crimson liquid-

Ouch!

Seems like my little brain can not suffer through that memory. It is not suprising, actually. I am still a baby.

But...I miss my own family. A small, nuclear family in Vietnam with a hothead mama, a boring, sometimes old-fashioned daddy and a annoying as fuck, bratty and spoiled younger sister. We were not very close like we used to be, and we fought a lot and I was distant from them...

But still.

A family by blood with bonds bult on 18 years of memories and love. I cared for them and I loved them so so much even if I had stopped caring or people around me...

Love.

Not Loved. Love.

Love is stronger than Death, after all.

At least, that's what I keep telling myself.

"Kikuko-chan, look here~ Daddy here~!" No. You are not my daddy. _Heisgonegonegonegone_...

I curl into a small ball, shiver and shaking from all the heart-breaking realities.

I cry, again.

My sister, Sakura, struck by my suddenly outburst, begins to cry to. Loudly and strongly, our hight piercing voices echo throung the house.

"Kizashi, why are the babies crying?" My mother storms in, takes Sakura from his hands and picks me up, while glaring sharply at my poor father.

"I do not know, Mebuki. I am just playing with Sakura..." He tries to explain but only gets a doubtful expression. "I swear, honey!!'

"Oh, hush hush, my beautiful angles. Papa scares you right? Meanie, meanie. Mama won't let him makes you cry again..." She whispers lovingly and rocking us in such a motherly way that my frustation starts to cool down. I sob and rub my head against her chest, enjoy the warmth from her body and the relaxing humming, even if a part of my brain keep mocking and taunting me.

' _Traitor_ ~.'

' _So cold-blooded that you forget your real fa-mi-ly~'_

'Shut. Up.' I growl in my mind and close up every painful thought that has been by my side for no one know how fucking long, though it is correct.

After we have both calmed down, Mebuki -that name sounds familiar-places us down to our cradle and goes back to the kitchen, dragging her husband with her so that he can't 'distracts our angles' sleep'. Sakura quickly falls asleep, while I am still awake and staring at the ceiling.

Why am I here? What is the point? Is it just a coincidence, or a need? Is this happened because of some invisible forces?

I know I am being bratty and ungrateful. I should enjoy life again, make my life a pardise full of pink roses and dreamy imaginations. I should take the second chance by all my heart and take advantage ò it. Maybe do something I couldn't in my past life, everything I have ever dreamed of! I have a twin sister now, and maybe it won't be as bad as my little sister!

But I can't.

I never want this.

I NEVER ASK TO BE BORN!!!

Gosh, look, I am sucking again. It's not good for my body's health. I heard from a quick conversation between mother and father that I am too sick and too fragile for a newborn. They are worried that I won't make it.

Hah. Seems like who ever wants me to live has regretted it already.

I can't think clearly anymore, exhaustion and tiredness takes over my body and drag my mind down to the darkness. I fall into the dream world with the babbling sounds my sister always does when she is sleeping and the smell of warming, homemade cooking in the kitchen blends with the fresh smell of apple and flowers near the cradle.

For a second, it...almost feels like home.

_time skip ._

I look at myself in the mirror. My mother's mirror.

It has been a few months I have been here, if the calendar I saw on the kitchen's wall is correct. I can see color now, and it is an upturn for me, though it is still a dull shape.

I look...animatic, in summary. My new, short hair is a reddish pink, short and curly, framed sides of my face. My skin, just as I think, is such a pale white color that it looks sick, almost like a doll. My eyes are round and big just like other babies, deep green mixes with seafoam blue, pretty and clear like crystal.

It looks so unreal that I can not stop staring.

Back then, I was a normal girl. My hair was black, raven black. It was my pride, straight and long, way down to my torso, usually pull back up in a pony tail. My skin was a little raspy, not this smooth ceramic skin, and brown from all the sun in Vietnam. I had dark brown, almond-shaped eyes and a round chin. Not very attractive, I knew, but enough for me. I was never a pretty girl, in my family or society.

I think I will need time to get use to this new look, and literally everything else.

"Kikuko-chan, aren't you pretty?" Mebuki smiles and dresses me up in a white and pink princess dress, to my annoy. Urgh... Princess dress, my nightmare.

"Ah...tah..." I do not know how or why, but it's a relief to know I can understand my parents' words, just some simple worlds, though. Japanese has always been a pain to me, if I have to learn it from the begining then I would rather go back to the darkness called Death.

"You and Sakura-chan are so adorable. How can I live without you two?" She sighs and pets my head, her eyes become sad and crystal-blank. I stay quiet, let her touches me as much as she wants. "My...babies... My babies..."

"Mebuki, lets go! I have waited so longgggg that the Hokage Mountain already have a new face on it now!!" Kizashi whines loudly, holding a happy Sakura in his lap.

Wait...

What did I just hear? Ho...Hokage?

Oh Diamonds No... Maybe my hearing is not good as I believe. I am still a baby, an-

"Do not be silly, Kizashi. The Fourth Hokage has been on there a long time, and it will be a long time for us to need the Fifth." Mebuki shakes her head, but still picks me up and goes out the room.

Me?

I freeze.

Someone tells me this is just a misunderstanding, please? Or a terrible joke my father always makes. Or an anime festival...Or a problem in the brain...or...

I...Oh Diamonds, How can I be so stupid and ignorant?!

Sakura...Mebuki...Kizashi...Haruno.

HOKAGE!!

Fuck my entire life and the force that brings me to this world!

I am in Naruto world for 3 months and I have just realized it now.

Maybe I should drown myself and die again.

It doesn't seem like a bad idea, compare to...this!

FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKK.


	3. Begin

My life's fucked.

No. Not in a literally way. I AM a CHILD, mind you.

But honestly, in all the worlds I can be reborn in, why it has to be Naruto? Why can't it be Steven Universe or Harry Potter or My Little Pony?

...At least I'm not in Attack On Titan. I am staring at the giant, anciet, real, having only four faces Hokage Mountain with dead fish, medium spring green eyes. It is...troublesome.

Back to the main point, I just figured out I am the twin of the famous Haruno Sakura? The fangirl, feminine Sakura who one day will turns to the best medic-nin, The Fifth's assisstant and a heroine? Wow, fantastic.

I am so Fucked!

How can I deal with all of this _MotherfuckerShitty_ -

Cough Cough* My bad.

Again. How can I deal with all of this...FREAKING world? I, the once was normal, 31 years old woman, become a killer and a tool for the village? Well, my morality was not a perfect, ideal one, but I haven't killed anyone yet!

Sakura in the canon grows up pretty well. She does not need a twin, an outsider, with her. She is fine being the only child.

And also, how can I be so ignorant and stupid? Haruno...Mebuki...Kizashi...

SAKURA! I was pretty observant, and to not realize this...hurts my pride. Is turning into a baby affects my mind that much?

Urgh...

I wanna cry again.

What is the point? What is the point putting me into a world where my existence is unnecessary? Where I am nothing but a spare? Porbably less than a spare.

I am nothing, I have always known that...

But still. It hurts.

Is this a twisted game of the Force above? What do they want from me?

If they want me to turn this world into a better one, excuse me. I will not. The canon, even if they are a little messed up and illogical, it still works out. Who knows what will happen if I change a small thing? My existence has already been a flap of the butterfly, I will not change anything more. I will be a normal civilian, and when I am old enough, will move away from the Five Nations to a far, far land. Yes. That is what I desire.

"A...Ehy..ah..." Sakura's cheeky voice breaks me from all of my silly brain-storm. I turn to the baby on the opposite of the cradle -seems like we have gone back home without my notice- and greeted by a toothless smile. My heart melts immediately.

God, I know it is mad and foolish to get attached to a main character in a shounen manga or anime, but I can not help it. This little girl has claimed a part of my heart. In a world that is far too strange and different and fictional for me, my little twin is the one I trust most. My sister in blood, share a bond that science can not explain, looks so much alike and familiar and safe.

God. I am helpless, aren't I?

"A...Ah..." I quietly response, roll over -it takes me more than 2 month for such a simple act! - and pet her cotton pink hair. Her giggle is music to my ears, so I smile, a rare action, and kiss her on the cheek.

My twin. My baby, my baby sister.

Maybe...Just maybe, I will try to help and protect you, until you are old enough, sis. Then I will leave your life, forever.

Sorry for my selfishness, sis. I can not help you much...

God, why can't you just let me die?

A few months later_

After my shocking realization about the truth of my reborn, I had come to a question.

Why couldn't I sense the chakra?

Well, I knew it sounds ridiculous. However, if you scrutinize it base on your fictional knowledge, it was logical. In Dreaming of Sunshine, Of the River and the sea and Catch your Breath, main character usually possesses some abilities to sense chakra, in the air or in their body. It is... consequent, since your brain is able to feel something strange in your body that you haven't felt in your past life.

But I couldn't. No matter how much I tried to focus, I could not feel ANYTHING! Meditate did not work, too. It was so frustating and confusing. Perharps I didn't have chakra? But it is nearly impossible, for every living creature has chakra, ignore all those anomalistic fanfictions.

Then, one day, my answer came in the most...unpleasant way.

That Event.

I had been a little too relaxed that I totally forget about...the terrority called Kyuubi.

Right now, when I have been safe in the bigger, powder blue craddle, I still remember it clearly.

Everything began...with silence.

It was a normal night, like every single night in Konoha I have ever seen. The sky was a pleasing midnight blue sheet without cloud or mist. There was some crimson light on the horizon that looked so uneasy for me, but I didn't care.

Sakura was playing with her favorite toy: a pink stuffed rabbit. She kept throwing it away then tried to get it back. We are about 7 months now. She was learing how to crawl when I was fighting how to stand. Urgh, I hated gravity and my stupid small legs. Still...Patient... ( _Nhi_ ) Kikuko... Patient...

Had to keep my improvement a secret though, I did not want to be a prodigy. I just wanted to be independent as soon as I could. I despised being a baby!

And the...it came.

My mother was cooking when it happened. A suddenly explosion of something so thick and heavy and demonic that it stranggled my breath. My heart felt like it had stopped beating while my brain just screamed and screamed in alarm. Every single mouthful of air I took, it burned me from inside to outside. Crushed my small, weak body and tearing me apart.

 _White-hot pain, dirty water, cold cold cold hothothothot so much pain hurt hurt hurt..._

I did not know what it was, at first. My mind was not working, it froze in fear and terror. The...energy was overwhelming. I was going to die. How in the name of Diamonds could anything be so... malicious and powerful?

It's an unknow, unseen monster, a creature made from darkness and dread and horror that crawled straight out from hell, broke, squeezed and crushed me, both mentally and physically. Sakura was screaming, a piercing sound, but I stayed still, like I used to before the car destroyed me. A pathetic, endure silence.

And then, the world turned white.

Now, I...suppose, in that moment, the chakra had awaken some parts of my brain and mind that had been paralyzed since... the car crash. The parts that died in the cold lake caused my inability to feel chakra, for only a LIVING being is able to.

I would be thankful if it it was not at that moment.

The power was crushing me still, and it became worse when my brain woke up. Much more worse. My body was on fire, HELLFIRE! The pain was so familiar that I...

I hoped for death to come and claim me again.

My mother was hugging us, shakingly and painfully, but I did not care. I was losing my consciousness, and maybe that was my ending. The end of a realistic-dream, of Haruno Kikuko in the Naruto world.

I closed my eyes, and fainted.

I wished for the death.

But IT did not come.

It never come to my call, at my most desperate moments.

Was that my punishment? Living in a world which does not need me? Living when I know dying is so much more easier for me.

I woke up, a few days latter. It was a miracle, the doctors said, I was not suppose to be alive.

I know.

It was not a miracle.

It was...a curse.

It was the begin...of my sin that I will never, ever forgive myself for.

Never.


	4. Sickness

I wonder when will I die.

Do not misunderstand my intention, dearie. It is not about my mental problem, emo thought, ungrateful or scared.

It seems like whoever puts me into this world has regretted it and wants me to come back to hell.

Why, you may ask?

Well...

After...the Event, Konoha has been in a vunerable situation. The Fourth, from all the quiet whispers, has sacrificed himself just as I remember, and a large amounts of life, ninjas or cilians, were turned to dust from the invasion, left the survivors behind, drowning in their own grief and pain. I can almost taste it, the heavy desperation, so thick that it can be cut by a knife, covers the village which made the sun duller and the sky less blue like it used to be.

For me, the next few months after the invasion is not coulored by the pitch black of loss, the crimson red of blood-stained memories or the grey of bones and corpses and dust...

It's white. The pure, sick white arrives with the clear smell of bactericide that could only be found in the hospital.

After my unconsciousness, I am now able to sense chakra. No. It is definitely not a blessing. And let me tell you this, Shikako was right. She was right this whole time about the chakra around us.

It's...very uncomfortable. I do not know how to describe it clearly. It's just...there... everywhere. In the air, the ground, in every living beings. It's there, but it's not. It is invisible, but I can feel it moving, sometimes slowly like a peaceful spring breeze, sometimes quickly like a storm roaring to the sky. It is powerful yet it does not possess any ill intent. Strange, different, unfamiliar... Makes me feel like I am covered by some smooth, gentle colorless water that can be so caring but dangerous at the same time.

However, the problem...is not the chakra outside, but the oneINSIDEmy body.

I swear to the Diamond Authority and the Mighty Sage, chakra is never, ever supposed to feel like this fucking, insolant bullshit thing! Like a hot, dense liquid flowing in the veins, burning your own flesh, not too painful but enough to irritate your senses. A slow poison that my body had accepted, yet couldn't adapt to. In the past, I will be fine with this kind of pain, but you want me to handle this torment with aBABYbody?

Haha.

That was very funny.

I do not cry, mind you. Crying means you are able to fight and press and pull against it. I, sadly, don't have that much strength in me. I choose to stay quiet like I always do, when I get hurt or something like that. My breath becomes shallow, weak, like I'm not breathing. My heartbeat turns lighter and softer, almost like a melody, and this freaks the shit out of my parents.

Mebuki and Kizashi brings me to the hospital, begging for help. There are no good news for their hopeful heart, though. The doctor said I had a big problem. They diagnose me as 'chakra hypersensitive' (heh, just like Nara Shikako), but even worse, my chakra system is poisoned by the Kyuubi's demonic chakra, which possibly will stick me forever. They say, I will not survive to my 10 years old.

I am so...fucking...serene. Again, I already get used to having death hung around my neck with the sound of my life clock counting down slowly. But Mebuki is absolutly terrified. I can hear her crying every night, broken and messed up, her blood-shot eyes staring at me in a hauntingly way. Like staring at a dead person (oh the irony~). I do feel guilty, but what can I do?

As a result, my mother starts to become distant towards me. She hugs Sakura, calls my sister her precious, showers her with love and affection while trying to touch me as least as possible. I never blame her. She just tries to protect herself from the heart-breaking pain of losing someone close, her (wrong, expendable) daughter. She still takes care of me, though, so I just accept my pitiful fate and take a step back from the warm sight of daughter-mother bonding time.

I believe I will be absent from every family picture or heart-felt moments if it's not for my father. He, different from Mebuki, has decided that he will spend all time making sure that the rest of my short life will be the best I can ever have. I am both feel grateful and pity him. He should never been through this hell, should never taste the bitterness of losing his child. Oh...Kizashi... Why don't you just stay away from me?

Why don't you just hate me?

In order to requite his effort, I have tried my best to please him. I spend hours and nights and days practice the syllabies of his name and the words "papa" in Japanese on my tongue until it is perfect. Worths it, all the sleepless night, to see his proud and teary eyes focus on me.

"My princess..." He shakily says, hugging me tightly like he will never let me go. Like if he lets me go, the world will take me away and tear me into pieces and pull me down straight to hell.

(Please don't. Don't let me go.)

(But you have to, one day.)

I also get closer to my sister, the happy child whose positive energy is like a drop of water in the whole desert to me. She knows nothing about my tragedy and the blood and bones buried in the ground beneath us, she doesn't need to know. I never want her to know. I don't want to see her clear, sparkle greeneest eyes lost it's light.

If I die, then at least, I can give Sakura some happy memories and some advices for her to grow strong. Only a little. Not enough to change too much. Never want to change too much.

"Ki!" One day, I get the most pleasant suprise as she calls out my name, enthusiasticly, bouncing on her chair. "Ki! Ki!"

"Sak-chan." I whisper, my soft, low voice respond to her words. I have pretty voice now, yay! "Si'ter."

"Ki! T...ah...aha!" Sakura crawls to where I'm standing and puts her small, warm body into my lap. "Ki!"

Sounds like the nickname of a dog. I giggle and sit down with her, for once, let myself enjoy the rare relaxing, comfortable moments without any dark think in my head.

My parents' reaction is different. Kizashi is a complicated mess of emotions: overwhelmed with joy, sadness, angriness and love, pure, powerful love. Mebuki's, however, is...somehow frightening. Her eyes become so blank with some darkness swirling deep down, looks at me without blinking.

She does not touch me that day.

Time goes by, Sakura and I soon greet our first birthday in this world. My first death anniversary, by the way, but I don't really care. Mot-Mebuki invites several guests. She dresses us up as some princesses or fairies. I'm wearing a powder blue, silky dress with white ribbon and black shoes. My curly reddish pink hair reaches the middle back now, tied in a long braid with flowers embellished on it. I look... adorable, I guess. Beautiful, if I dare to say, like a fragile doll. My skin is a sickly pale white, like every drop of blood has been sucked out of my veins. My lips are the same, slightly blue, while my eyes are the same almond-shaped type, a mixed of blue and green into some kind of middle spring green that look hollow and sad. A pair of pretty jewels. I do not know why, but I have to resist looking at people everytime because of these...eyes.

Sakura is the opposite of my image. She wears red dress with cream and pink ribbon and same shoes. She looks a little chubby, round cheeks puff out stubornly with pouty pink lips while her hair, a kind of flowery pink, is shoulder-length and smells like stawberry. She is white, too, but a healthy rosy white and always shows curiousity to the world around, so as her older sister, it's my duty to keep her safe and sound.

Mebuki bakes some shortcakes, umeboshi, onigiri with tuna and seaweed, mochi, yakiniku, sakuramochi and namagashi for all children and adults. I love all the sweets~. I don't see any character that I recognize, though, but it's...understandable.

The Haruno family is nearly all tradespeople with women leading the company. Mebuki is the contemporaneous leader, and we are her heirs. To my suprise, our company is one of the largest manufactor in Five Great Nations, can be found in The Land of Fire, Water, Lightning and Wind, although our economic cooperation focuses mostly at Fire and Water.

I should consider to take after Mebuki's path. It sounds good enough for me. A rich, civilian lady who controls her emplyees with a steel hand. Hah...

I can never success that unachivable dream.

The light from the burning candles falls on my face, reflects in the eyes, hides away all of my conflicted thinkings. The bell-like laughter of Sakura keeps vibrating inside my ears until it turns to a jarring, mocking sound, like a bad sign, an omen of a future dyed in the color of war and death. I whisper a soft prayer under my breath, letting out a small giggle. A breaking sound, harsh and bitter, made of despair and wrath. To this world. To my future. To me.

We blow off the candles in the cheers and applauses of the crowd.

Happy Birthday to you, Sakura.

Happy Death Day to me.


	5. Argument

One of the first reason I am so determined to learn the kanji, katakana and hiragana is books.

I have an unhealthy, almost obssessive love for books. Every single kind of books, well, except for some too-stupid-and-mindless-to-be-called-book books, I just love them. So being unable to read them is FRUSTATING!! I crave for the wonderful feelings of smooth papers under my fingers and the smell of fresh new book and ink hangs around me. Oh, such a torture to see all those beauty but can't understand them.

So the day that my parents (Kizashi) decide we are old eneough to learn, I am beyond excited. I crawl into his lap and listen to his warm, relaxing voice, tracing the words on the book. I studied Japanese before, but only the basic and some famous one, for I focus mainly on France and Germany, so it's an understatement to says I am suprise at my fast improvement. Of course...baby brain and the magic of being reborn.

I spent more time in the hospital, too. Basically nearly 24/24. The doctors treat me like I am made from glass. They smile and comfort me with sweet voices, feed me candies and pet my hair.

 _"Everything will be ok, little Kikuko-chan."_ _"We will heal you."_ _"The ouchie will dissapear soon, ok?"_

 **Lie**.

All lie. I can see it clearly, the pity and sadness in their eyes, having to watch a life fades away slowly and they all are unable to stop it. I am destined to die. My body is weaken, I can feel it, in my bones and in my veins, day by day. I struggle to take every mouthful of oxygen when my chakra's killing my my lungs. I fight to open my eyes every morning when the eyelids seems like it weighs a thousand tons. The aching in my body does not dissapear, but I start to get used to it. I don't know how my body will react if I ever use my chakra. I afraid that it won't give me a good result, and I hope I will never have to.

(Such a foolish wish.)

Maybe Kizashi changes me, or maybe I am just too tired with being an emo baby, coping with my misfortune every day. So I make a decision. I will try to live, as long as I can. And until the day I has been buried deep in the ground, I will live life to the fullest.

So in order to do that, I guess I'm going to try everything I have never dared to dream of before.

The moment I get much better than I used to with Japanese, I grap all the books I can and stay in my room in hours to consume them all. Especially the history. Oh...the delicious details of history... The Third War, the Foundations of Konoha... I just love the way it happened, so fictional to my knowledge with all the jutsu yet soooooo realistic. I use a big notebook which I got from my first birthday to take note and practice my writing skill. Every theories, techniques or skills that ever be mentioned, I write it down.

So when I turn 3 years old, I have gotten about 10 notebooks, and more. Sakura loves reading too, but not with such a passion. She is a child, a real one, so how can I force her to sit down with me all the time? Normally, when Mebuki and Kizashi are busy, we have a babysitter to care for us. In the afternoon, the babysitter will lead us to the park nearby and stay there for about 2 hours. I do not really appreciate that idea, so I will just sit down under a tree and read my book. Sakura, who acts her age, will play with other children all the time.

That's my childhood. It's fun and peaceful and interesting, when you use adult's eyes to look at the world of children.

But the peace does not last long.

My health keeps getting worse, even if I truly try to prevent it. I practice yoga and ballet and kickfit and every kind of exercise I can remember. My little body is pretty strong, trust me, thanks to several thick, giant books I carry with me all the time. I try so hard, but no matter how strong-willed I am, it does not work.

(I wish it never works.)

I will die, again, like an useless piece of shit, a waste of space I wish I'm not.

I hear Kizashi crying every night, when our parents think that we have already fallen asleep. Sakura does, but...sometimes, I can't. I just can't. Some days, I feel so tired and messed up that I just want to curl up and dissapear. Nightmares haunts my dream, so I stay awake til the sun rises. That's when I hear his sobbing, in the living room.

"Why... Why Kiku-chan? Why my little angel? Why her?" His voice sounds muffle, like he is trying to keep it down and hides his head in his shaking hands. "Please... Kami-sama, don't take her away... Please..."

The broken pleading breaks my heart. I bite my lips til I taste the salty of blood and quietly go back to my bedroom, wrap myself in the soft blue blanket and listen to my sister's mumblings.

I don't sleep those night.

But do you know? That's not the worst.

The worst, is this family's state. Sakura's happy, complete family is falling apart, and it's not suppose to happen!

I realize this heart-breaking truth in thr most unpleasant way, when I arrive home from the library, carry on my back a mountain pile of book, excited about new things I can learn...

Then I hear shouting.

Loud and clear, angry and furious, like a thunder explodes in the air. It startles me. I drop my bag down and quickly run to the source of the sound, my parents' room.

"You can't do that, Mebuki!" Kizashi growls.

"Why can't? It's the best thing for us!" The high screaming of the woman reponses back to him.

"The best? You want to PUT DOWN Kiku-chan's hospital care? What kind of mother will do that?"

...What?

"Accept the truth, Kizashi! She won't make it, why don't you just let go and end her misfortune?!" Mebuki snarls. "Her destination is death. Why care anymore? Why can't you just focus on our Sakura?"

"...How can you say that? She is our daughter, too." His voice becomes so cold that it sents a chill down to my spine. "I don't care, Mebuki. I will do anything to extend my princess's life. If you don't want, then I will pay the bill myself."

They say some things more than that, but I can't hear. The world's suddenly buzzing and spinning around me. I can't breath. I can't feel anything. Something hot burns in my chest and my blood vessels, burns everything down until I am nothing but ashes and smokes.

No...

No...

This can't happen. How... Sakura's parents love each other deeply. How can they...

What have I done?

What have my existence changed?

"Ki-chan..." Weak sobbing reaches my ears as someone small and warm crawls into my laps. "Why is...mam and pa'a a...ar..."

"Arguing." I softly say, wrap my arm around my sister's quivering form and let she cries into my chest. I must not shed a tear. I do not have the right to do.

I hug my sister tighter. My baby sister... My responsibility... My precious...

How can I hurt you like this? I am... so sorry.

This is all my fault. Bis sis's fault.

God, please, if you are there and able to listen to my petty words...

 _Pleasepleasepleaseplease_...

If I have to die, take me quick.

I don't want to hurt anyone anymore, but I don't have enough courage to kill myself.

So...

Please...

Just kill me already.


	6. Omake: Dream

"Ki-...Ki...They call me...mean...name..." Sakura, 4 years old, young and small with round green eyes and pink hair, cries in front of me.

I slowly put the thick book down, a frown begins to appear on my face.

"What do they call you, Sa?"

"Bi..Big Fo..Forehead..." Big, fat tears rolling down her cheeks as Sakura shrieks. I raise my hands, calmly wipe away her tears.

"Sh...Sh...Don't cry. It's ok, sweety. No one will harm you." Poking her forehead, I laught silently, letting out some small coughing. "Beside, they are just jealous of your beauty, my dear."

"Y...You re'lly think so?" Sobbing turns down to small hiccups, she gives me a wet smile. "Tha..Thank, Ki."

"Everything for you, little Sis." Decide that's enough reading for today, I put the book away and pull the blanket down. Sakura immediately slides into the warmness . "Oh, and do you have any new friend?"

"Um...No..." My sister looks down, like a kicked puppy. "I...I am...not brave enough..."

"One day you will have the best, most wonderful friend ever." I say, remember the blond hair and purple dress. "One day, sis." Cough a little more, I stare at the celling. "You will become a great woman, stand proud and brave..."

And isn't it true? From a little bud blooms into a gorgeous blossom, Sakura. The girl who grows stronger and stronger, trade blood, sweat and tears for the strength to protect her precious. The girl who once was weak and foolish, but also kind and possesses an undeniable intelligence. My little cherry blossom, who will stand by side her comrades with her chin up, staring at the Death and saving several lifes...

"W..What about you?" Her unexpected question wakes me out of my imagination. I blink.

"What do you mean?"

"Y..You always talk about m...-me. What is... Your dream then...Sis..?"

I stay quiet. I...I don't expect that question and...to be honest...

I don't have one. And if I do, it's won't be a filled with roses, pink cloud and ponies one.

Dream...Hah...such a fantasy, illusory things for a prey of the Death like me. How can I dream, in a world that never accept me? How can I dream when I know the broken, dark future that this world will been through? How can I dream when blood stained the earth and the wailing of those who were gone in that Event and of my own still haunt my mind? How can I dream when I have no hope? How can I dream when nightmare is my reality?

I wanna shout and make a scene and throw a tantrum and let out all those bottled feelings I have hidden since I was born...but...Look into those hopeful, sparkle green eyes, those agressive, painful thinks can never get out of my open mouth.

Hah...Get angry at some innocent question...How pathetic I am...

It...It just...It's not fair...

...I know I won't last long. Even if I try and motherfucker of all Hell, **I TRY**! I try so hard. I do exercise, ballet, kickfit, healthy diet, sleep well... Everything...

It does not work.

My state keeps going down. This world shows me no mercy.

I have a large chakra pool, which should be an advantage to me, ends up killing me slowly. I have chakra hypersensitive that can turn me into perfect soldier but reacted badly with the my poisoned chakra. If only I can die quickly, but no. Kyuubi's chakra is demonic, but somehow, it's nature is the same to the powerful sage chakra. This fact leads to a funny result: the chakra is both killing and healing me. I test my theory by try to gather some chakra in my hand, and it works just as I believe. Let me tell you, that hurts like fucking hell. Like cut your skin open and stick it back with some cheap glue. Make me swear like a fucking sailor in my mother language, Japanese and English.

Does Force want to see me suffer so bad?

The doctors try healing my chakra system and check my body monthly, but come up with bad news only. Kizashi is getting more and more depressed. He spents nearly 24/7 to hug and cuddle me, makes sure that I am here with him. My mo-, _(no, not mother)_ Mebuki starts showing her coldness and ostracism towards me in different ways: refuses to call me daughter, pretends that I don't exist... It's ok, though.

 _(I have gotten use to it.)_

Once, She wanted to separate me and Sakura so that I couldn't taint and litter her precious cherry bloosom. Sakura fighted, to my suprise. It was the first time I ever saw her screamed and protested against her mother, and the only time. She got detention, but Mebuki let her stayed with me, so "it waz a vicowy." She cheerfully spoke to me, while I could onky stare at her in wonder.

I don't deserve her kindness... Why must she...

Why? No one has ever...treated me with such wonderful and unconditional love. No one. I am too grumpy and messed up and crazy and...

Ah...I forget...Sakura never cares. I am her sister, and that's enough reason for her to admire and care for me.

I wish I could give her something in respond...something to repay her.

I want to see her smile. I want to see her being happy and bright.

So...if lying about my destination makes her smile...then..

"My dream..." My voice, low and soft, unlike a child's voice, gets out of my lips like a sliver of fainted smoke, shaped into bitter words, carried by the current and blend into the air. "Is to become a powerful and strong woman." _to be able to watch you grow up and die a painless death._ "have faithful friends and stay by your side, Sa." _Even in hell._

"Oh...Then...I will be strong too! I'l be brave and make you proud sis! I...i wil' be a KUNOICHI!!" She raises her fist and grins, bubblegum hair's flying as some gentle breeze flows and cools down my itching skin.

"It's a respectful dream, Sa." I smile tiredly, pull her into a motherly hug,

That's right...Sis...be brave and be proud of who you are. Stand strong, baby... You will be alright...

I hope I can manage and hold on a little longer. For you, Sakura.

My dearest sister.


	7. Suna (Part 1)

Today is a sunny day. The sky is crystal blue clear, sunlight shines through my window, dancing and swirling like some golden fairies. Some pleasant breezes flow by, cool down the air so it will not be too hot.

It won't last long, this pleasant weather. What a pity...

"Where 're we going?" I put the big hat on so the sun's heat won't attack me, fixing my simple blue dress and tie the rosy pink long hair with a touch of crimson up in a long braid. When he doesn't answer, I turn around and glare. "Answer me."

"To Suna, my dear." Kizashi sweetly says, fixing his own clothes. "We'll have a vacation, just our family together."

My stomach drops. Suna? He means Suna the village which surrounded by sand and sun and heat and lizzards, insects and snakes? Where there is a little jinchuuriki tainted by hatred and loneliness? Oh dear god... Why? Why do you hate me so? You goddamn son of hellhole bitch...

Why it has to be Suna? Can't we stay in this wonderful paradise? Hell, is the heat not torturous enough?? Now I have a dangerous jinchuuriki to be aware of. Fuck life.

I do not hate Gaara. How can I? He is a little boy who wants to be loved and to love, who hated by his own family. A tool created by the village for politics and war. He is lonely and scared, but he will become a wonderful person, just like my Sakura.

There is no place for any Kikuko in his life, and should never be.

Hah, stop your ridiculous think, dearie. You believe that I should protect and befriend him? That I should act like a teeny fan girl and add him to my reverse harem? Oh please. Do I need to remind you that I am a SICK child? A can-only-live-for-ten-year-and-good-for-nothing child, to Mebuki's words? If I become his friend, won't it be worse for him when I die? Even if Gaara is truly a cinnamon roll, the beast inside him is definitely dangerous, and what if the chakra of Shukaku affects me like Kyuubi's ? What will happen to me, then? How badly will my body be messed up, hn? Well, to be honest, I actually don't fucking care about my life or my health, but Sakura and Kizashi do.

I have to make sure I can give my little sis the best in 10 years, so I have to live. For her and for my father's good, both mentally and emotionally. So, nope, no more risky actions...I hope so.

(Who am I lying to? I can never keep a promise.)

"Ki! Suna! We are goin' to Sunaaaaa!!" Sakura chirps happily, jumping around in the red dress she always loves like a little squirel. "Sand! We will play wi'h sandy and buil' the best castle evew!"

"Ever, Sa, and yes. You will play with all the sand you want." I pet her hair, put more books into my already overpacked suitcase. After a few tries, I give up and leave it at home. I want more...

"Come on, princess. Your suicase seems like it's going to explode. Have mercy for it." Kizashi pouts, make a a funny face. Sakura giggles and hides her mouth behind two small hands. I, decide to act like a true, mature adult I am, stomp on his foot and place my hands on my hip.

"Did you say anything? I can't hear through my fancy~."

"So mean! So uncute!!"

"Are you done?" Mebuki calls from the outside. "We don't have much time to waste."

"Of course." Kizashi takes out some plastic bags then gives them to me. "This is your medicine. Use them carefully, ok? I know that you are much smarter than we can ever imagine, so do not forget these important things. Got it?"

"Alright, father." I keep my suitcase by one hand (yes, I am stronger because of all the time carry those heavy like shit books.), one hand hold the bags carelessly. "Don't worry too much. You will get old soon."

"Cheeky brat." He laughes, a choked sound, and hugs me like he always does, buries his head into my straw hat. "...Be careful alright?"

"Hai, hai." Although I don't really like physical contact and a part of myself just wanna shrink and flinch away from the touch, I let Kizashi hugs me as long as he wants. He needs this to keep his mind at peace, to stay calm and positive. I won't let him be in pain just because of my foolish reaction.

"Kizashi!!"

"I'm comin', Mebuki." Kizashi reluctantly lets me go, and goes down to ease his wife. Sakura looks at me, tugs at my sleeves and asks, in soft, confusing voice.

"Ki?"

"Yes, Sa?"

"Why...Why does ma'ma sound...angry?"

"Because I am a bad child, sweety." I smile and rub her soft pink lock. "Now, let go. Don't want her to be more furious, ne?"

"...Ok."

"Sakura-chan!!"

"I'm coming, Kaa-chan!" She queaks and runs down like a baby duck. I chuckle, slowly walk behind my little twin. How adorable~

The trip is...interesting, if I may say. We travel in a big carriage. There are no shinobis to guard, because it's just a vacation. We go through forest and land, listen to the singing sound of the wind, see the change of the wet, soft brown dirt turns to hot, golden sand. Somehow, the wind of the dessert upsets me. It just feels... wrong... Maybe I have been spoiled too much by the relaxing and calming wind of Konoha, smells like rain and trees, so to greet some boiling hot, sand-filled wind is so irritating.

A breeze suddenly flows through the mountain of sand and rock, creates some howling, mourning noises that sounds like someone is dying. A last begging to the Death to give them mercy. I shiver, curse my imaginative mind and hide in Kizashi's lap, pretending to be asleep.

It feels like a bad omen. A warning sign of the world. I have to retrain the urge to wail and beg to go back to the safe zone of Konoha, but it will bother my parents and turn me into a bratty brat. Beside, Sakura wants to see Suna, so I stay quiet.

(I should listen to the wind. I should try to get back.)


	8. Suna (Part 2)

Just like I have thought, Suna is so fucking sandy~. Sand everywhere, on the ground, in my shoes and in my mouth. Sweat covers every part of my skin, to my horror. The heat is just killing me, god damnit!!! I will die because of this weather before the hypersensitiveness and poisonous chakra ever has a chance.

Urgh... I want to go back to Konoha!!! Why do my parents have to take a vacation in such a place?!

Getting into Suna is not as troublesome as I have thought. We sign some forms, check papers and do some text to make sure about our identities. Sakura and I pass without any problems, but our parents seem to take quite longer. When I am waiting for Kizashi, I decide to sit down like a good girl and take out a small book.

"Sandddddd~"

"Yes, hun. It's sand." I deadpan, look at the too excited babh cherry blossom. "Don't run around too much, Sa. You don't want to diry you dress and make Me-mom angry, right?"

"But Kiiiiiiii. Sanddddddd"

"Be patient, sweety." I whisper the familiar quotes, unconsciously tighten my fist. "Be patient."

 _ **(Be patient. Be a good girl. Keep your head high, keep your mouth shut.**_ _ **Perfection or die.)**_

"Come on~. Just a little, pwease~ I won't go too far!"

Shake my head violently to shoo away the hauting words, I stand up and give Sakura, who luckily hasn't noticed my black out, a smile.

"Ok...let take a small tour, but not too long, dear."

"Ki is theeee besssttttt!!!" Sakura squeals, grasps my hand and pulls me toward the park with her suprising strength. I try to relax and stop thinking about some particular redhead. Suna is big, right? There is no chance for me to met someone so important at the first time.

...Right?

And when I hope life won't dissapoint me, it decides to be a motherfucker bitch and slaps me in the face.

There he is.

There he is.

The small, lonely boy with crimson hair and pale skin, not as pale as mine though, sitting in the park with a teddy in his arms, sad green eyes stare at all the children around him, starving and hurting.

Gaara.

Sabaku no Gaara. Jinchuuriki of Shukaku. The Fifth Kazekage. The Sand Soldier.

Danger danger danger danger danger...

No.

He...He IS a child...

Still...dangerous...

I stand still, my mouth stunned like stone and my body unable to move, don't know what to do, what to say. Sakura has already run to play with some random kids. That's good. She is not in danger.

Not now.

Very unfortunately, my sit is incredibly near him, for there are not too many trees in the park and I HATE the sun so much to be under it range. Some people talking quietly, panicked and scared, but I don't really care. All I care about now, is...the energy. Oh...I can feel it, the heavy, vicious chakra that he radiates, so thick and painful that it burns me, but not enough to make me scream. Chakra of Shukaku. The blood-thirsty, full of madness and death that becomes an invisible force, in the golden sand and in the little broken mind.

Fuck.

Fuck.

I inhale slowly, try to calm my senses down. It's ok. The pain is not eternal. It will be over soon. Do not freak out. Do not shed a tear

I will get use to it.

I have to get use to it.

Moving will catch his attention, so I stay where I am and focus on my book. After a few minutes, Gaara leaves. I breath out, relieved but guilty at the same time. I wish I can give hime some kindness and love, but I am selfish and scared and weak...

No one desreves being hated for no reason.

"What are you doing here, girl?!" The sharp voice of Mebuki raises up above my head. I put my book back into the bag, hold my arm like a real lady and smile.

"Sakura wants to play, so I follow her."

"Then where is she?"

"Over there, Okaa-sama." I point directly as my sister, who is chatting with Kizashi about her new friends and all the sand castle.

"And why are you here? Hiding in the tree without responsibility?"

"She is only playing, okaa-sama."

"Don't you dare to talk to me in such an ungrateful voice. Why don't you look after her like a real big sister? Are you trying to put your sister in danger?"

Keep your mouth closed. Keep your smile on your face. Be patient. Be calm. Be a good girl.

"Of course not, okaa-sama. I won't repeat the mistake again."

"You better not."

I look at Mebuki's back as she turns around and makes a fuss over my sister, sigh tiredly, put my arm around myself like trying to erase all the pain.

It's ok. It's ok. It's ok. It doesn't hurt. You are just an outsider. You need no one. No one.

You will die soon. This will end soon.

' _Hold on...just a little while longer..._ _Hold on...just a little while longer..._ _Hold on...just a little while longer..._ _Everything...will be alright...'_

I hum, softly and slowly, walk behind my family. I have good voice in this new body, low and gentle with a touch of warmness, like a mother's voice, so singing is something I have done plenty time to calm myself.The Song of Peace is one of my favorite song. Easy to sing and remember, though sing it in Japanese sounds weirder than I want, but that's fine. I will try to sing Stronger Than You or other cartoon songs later...

Well...so, there is it. The first day of my trip in Suna.

I hope I won't meet Gaara again.

 _(I just jinx myself, don't I?)_


	9. Suna (Part 3)

To my relief, my first day in Suna is pretty normal, except for the...unwanted encounter with Gaara. We stay in a hotel at the center of the whole village, on the 2nd floor. All the room are clean and comfortable with thick curtain and fans. Unfortunately, the hotel is end of 4-people room, so Mebuki orders 1 single room and 1 3-people room. Of course, I am the one has the honor to get the room for my own.

 _(I won't say I know she just wants to leave me out... She is not that cruel...right?)_

I don't complain or anything, even if this is a little messed up. Like, she lets a child alone in a strange environment? If I am a real child, who knows what will happen? But because of the fucking unknow Force, I am not. So it's ok. At least I get my private and can stay up late at night~.

The room is not small nor giant. Just a simple room with dull mint wallpapers, grey floor and dark brown curtain. It has a neat bed, a wooden cabine, a round desk with 2 chair next to the bed that also contains a night-lamp and a thank-god-it-is-clean-and-free-of-sand bathroom. I swear, I have to shake the sand off my clothes every single movements, and that's annoying.

Fuck Life. I repeat for a thousand times, I. Don't. Like. Suna.

...Well, perharps it's better than Kiri or Iwa... I suppose.

I have already read like 2 books today, and my body looks a little...chubby _(fatfatfatfatfatfat)_ , so I decide to practice my ballet skills and some kicks move. Oh, I wish I can be Pearl in Steven Universe... She is so good with her dancing, for god sake! Elegant and thin and smart...

Maybe I can become a dancer if I practice hard enough, ne?

I split my leg into a nearly perfect flat angle, bend over backwards to grasp my foot, ignore the slight aching in my muscle. I stand up again, on the toe of right leg, create an arabesque position and try to do a pirouette. But my legs are still small and weaker than it has to be to support the whole body, so as a result, I stumble and almost hit the floor with my face. Ouch...

I guess I have to try harder. I have a lot of determination to waste. I have to be perfect.

But this is it for today. I am tired and slightly hurting all because of the long journey plus the dark chakra I felt earlier, so a rest sounds wonderful for now. Take a few pills from the plastic bag, I swallow them all at one, cringing at the awful taste, and lye down to the lovely, warming embrace of my lover-the merciful bed.

Sleep, my love, here I come~.

\--night time--

 _(Please, no more nightmare. Please spare me tonight.)_

 _Redredredredredredredred..._

 _Cold. So cold. Why so cold. Don't like cold._

 _Hurt...hurt...please stop...hurt..._

 _Dirty. Dirty. Dirty. Dirty. Dirty. Dirty. Dirty..._

 _Cold. Can't breath...why...Want to breath..._

 _Crushing...strangling...choking...air... need air..._

 _Cold...cold...liquid filled the lungs...all body...made of liquid..._

 _No...wrong...Not freezing... Burning...cold burning..._

 _Pain..._

 _The roaring monster destroyed lower half of my legs...broke my bones and crushed my skin..._

 _Bony white and dark crimson and reddish pink and muddy brown and deepest black..._

 _Flesh and bones..._

 _Blood and water..._

 _Drowning...Keep Drowning... downdowndowndowndowndowndow..._

 _The darkness wolf down my entire self... unsatisfied... Never Satisfied...until there is nothing left but a hollow shell..._

 _Nothing left...Blank...Empty... Mindless...Worthless._

 _No no no no no no no no no..._

 _Don't want to...Can't lose myself..._

 _No..._

 _Please no..._

 _ **'LeT mE dIE'**_

My eyes shoot open as I gasp, desperately trying to take as much oxygen as I can, holding tightly to the bedsheet underneath me. After a few breath, my mind slowly focus back to the present and not to the ghost feelings of water and blood all over my body and mouth.

 _(Nomorenomorenomorepleasepleaseplease)_.

Breath in. Breath out.

' _Take a moment to think of just_

 _Flexibility, love and trust...'_

I quietly murmur the phrase over and over, fighting back to the monster of fear and death and pain inside my mind, put it back behind the Wall, where I hide everything that I don't want to look back.

The feelings start to fade away, leaving behind only slight sore in my throat. I touch my neck, gently, and feel something wet and hot.

Ah, it seems like I scratch my neck again.

Oh Nightmare...You motherfucker son of the worst bitch in hell...

I soundlessly rummage through the mess that is my bag, searching for a specific thing. As my fingers brush through a small, smooth side of something, I roughly pull it all out. A grey jar, as big as a baby fist with a dirty red, almost look like blood, metal cap on the top reveal itself to my eyes.

"Dunno how can I live without lotion." I sigh, wring the cap open, leave it there one the table and take out more bottle, bandages and white cotton. Skillfully pour out some bactericide on the cotton, I clean the wound, hissing a little at the poignant burn. After make sure the wound does not bleed anymore, I take some white, rich cream in the jar and put it on my neck, carefully. A special lotion for my 'princess beauty' I had brattily demanded Kizashi to buy it for me, because of my past experience.

And...god, I was right all this time...

That fucking nightmare...Why must it keep haunting me every night?

"I guess that's it for now...4 hours hn...?" Look at the clock on the wall, I sigh again. Not too bad, at least...

Well, it's like 3 more hours before sunrise, so what should I do now? Sit there like an emo and count every sin I have ever done? Or just jump out of the window and end my disgusting life?

Oh Mighty Diamond...

I cover myself with brown blanket, shield against the icy cold that belongs to dessert at it's glorious night, staring at the sky through the window. The sky is clear, a bold sheet of midnight blue, almost turns to dark purple, with several of shiny stars among it. The moon is a crescent-shaped of jewel, pale yellow mixed with crystal white, shine in the dark, gentle and comforting.

 _(White light pulled me over, can't escape, can never escape, pulled into a world where I am nothing)_

I change my mind. Maybe it's not really comforting at all.

' _Here comes a thought that might alarm you_

 _What someone said and how it harmed you_

 _Something you did that failed to be charming_

 _Things that you said are suddenly swarming...'_

Like an old, never die habit, I sing again, when my mind is far too messed up and my body still shaking from the traumatic memory, uncontrollably, like a little leaf in the powerful wind, a poor boat in the furious ocean, helplessly. I sing, not too loud to wake everyone but enough to distract myself to focus only on the lyrics. Emotion formed into words and sounds, naturally and wildly, then leak out from my tongue, like a painful melody. A soft, dying tune from the beauty trying to calm the fearsome beast.

 _(But who is the beast here? Am I lost in my own mind? Have I lost myself much more than I could ever imagine? Do I have anything left inside me now?)_

' _And, oh, you're losing sight, you're losing touch_

 _All these little things seem to matter so much_

 _That they confuse you_

 _That I might los-'_

"I like your song." I freeze, the song suddenly cuts off, and turn my head around, to the source of the strange, hoarse but childish and shy voice. Greets my darken, middle spring green-blue gaze, a sight full of red, sand and two little grass green gemstone.

"...You..."

"Hello." The boy _(beastdangerscarerunrunrunrun)_ smiles at me, shyly. "I am Gaara, and I like your song."

And that's how a little child with hopeful words and lonely eyes breaks down my thick, deffensive wall, easy like how he simply crushing a useless paper, without sand or weapon. Just a shaking smile combine with sad eyes, and I am doomed.

Forever doomed.


	10. Suna (Part 4)

**Note: Please, my dear readers, thank you for your kindness. If you want to say something, comment and I promise I will do my best to answer it.** **Kudos, please~** **Don't hesitate to comment, give advice or anything. I love to read all of your Comments, and I will show you how this world is different, soon.**

"You know it's rude to stand at someone's room balcony, right?" Before my brain can reset and work like a real organ instead of some useless tofu, to my deepest regret, I feel my mouth automatically moves and answers him, gently as usual.

...What The Fucking Stars Just I Say?

Why does my mouth have to be so damn sassy and bitchy? Why does it move so fast?! Oh no...What if Shukaku gets mad? It will probably kill me without hesitation. I wonder how will it kills me then... Maybe with thick, dusty sand warping around slowly me like a predator playing with the poor, weak prey, and then, like a flash, unstoppable, brutally embraces me in a choking hug, crushing my body and enjoying every single drop of scarlet liquid like the ca-

"Oh...I am sorry." The redhead lowers his head, his voice sad and heart-broken. A kicked puppy, and my rambling stops. Holy shit, how can danger (child) be that ADORABLE??? He reminds me of... Of little Sakura and...Oh Star, I can feel my big sister heart immeadiately melts, my mouth starts to open again...No no no no no no Stop stop stop-

"That's ok. Do you really like my song?" Fuck. Me.

But...I can't just exactly turn him down or close the window rudely right? That's a bad girl's action... He is just a kid now, a soft, lonely, longing for bonds and friendships but only meets with fear and despise, little one.

Don't I understand that feeling? Of being isolated? How can you ask me to treat someone the way I hate to be treated?

...Oh Damn. My careful, detailed plan of stay safe and stay away from Gaara crumbles in less than a minute hn? I had hoped I could last longer...

"Yes. The ly...lyrics waz strange, but I like it. Your voice is nice too."

"Thank you. Your compliment is highly approciated." I blush slightly, twirling my hair with my finger. "So...I am Kikuko. Haruno Kikuko. And you..."

"Gaara. Sabaku no Gaara."

"So...Gaara, why are you here all alone? Don't you need to rest or anything?" I ask while knowing the answer already.

"No...I never sleep...And no one except Yashamaru wants to get near me..." He blinks, green eyes coloured with confusion and sorrow. "They ar...are all scared of...me.."

"Oh..." I keep my mouth shut. Don't speak up. Never speak up unless you are asked. "Well...you are not very scary...I wonder why."

I lie. Of course I know. The chakra in his sand and from his body is choking me and put my inner on fire!! Not that serious though, and one day it won't hurt anymore, but I am concern with other things. His seal is really fucked up if the beast chakra is this dense, iron and seaseam, but I can feel his chakra now, behind all the darkness. Gentle and strange, blend with all these conflicted emotion and Shukaku into a messy thing. A smoothie made of terrible material, if I may compare. Yuck.

"You are not scared of me?" He asks, suprised.

"...Well, Unless you hurt me..." To be honest, he is already doing that but it's not Gaara's fault, really. It's nobody fault.

 _(All my fault for being this way.)_

Oh no... A realization blooms over my mind, jolt me like a flash of thunder...I am getting attached...

Why can't I keep a promise?

 _(I can never do.)_

"I don't want to hurt anybody!" Oh, that stinks. Those words, so innocent and hopeless taste like blood and bitterness on my tongue, make all the knowledge weigh a thousand time heavier.

War and death. Love and hatred. Torture and pain.

That is normal in this world, where children kill and people die, where monsters once were human and tragedies were broken happiness.

Oh god...

I stare at his eyes, again. Hollow blue-green meets bright, sad grass green. Loneliness... Hope and hungry for something have been denied all of his childhood, something so simple but yet so far away. Unreachable.

I sigh.

I have made my decision already, haven't I?

"Want to come inside?" Ignore the aching skin and burning blood, pain tucked under my tongue and death hovering over my neck, I smile. "I can sing you a song."

 _(This world is so cruelcruelcruelcruelcruel...)_ _(And I am too dumb and soft-hearted and crazy to stay away from danger.)_ _(Fuck Me. Fuck This World.)_

Sanity, my old friend. Farewell, I will miss you so muchhhhhhhhhhhhh.


	11. Suna (Part 5)

When have my life turned this crazy? Not just the normal type of crazy, the 'you-fuck-up-hard-and-you-will-pay ' crazy.

I can't help but wonder as I sit in the room, opposite to the little red-haired boy. He looks just as nervous as me, to my amusement. How could I tell myself that he's dangerous? I was being prejudiced, insensitive and spiteful, wasn't I? Look at this boy, hugging the teddy tightly and looking around, eyes filled with joy and curiousity, how can you say this is dangerous?

 _(Well...perharps the vicious chakra?)_

Like a baby panda. I fondly think, a smile starts to bloom on my face.

"So...Tea?" I suggest. He turns around, nods reluctantly.

"Yes, please." Oh, how polite~

Fortunately, on the round table, the hotel has put a dozen of blue teacups, one round cerulean teapot, some teabags and, thanks God above, hot water. Maybe these are for the elders. Old people love tea, most of them, love tasting the bittersweet on their tongue and the warm smell of the drink hanging in the air. I wish I can have some milk though. The drink will definitely become the food of god if you add more sweet milk into the tea ...Yumm...

Ah, distracted again.

I put the teabag in, pour hot water inside and finally cover the teapot, make sure there is no space left. Then, we stay quiet, waiting for the tea.

"So...You say that you don't need to sleep?" I try to break the unnerving silence. "What do you usually do, then?"

"I...I sit on the roof top...and watch the sky..." Gaara frowns slightly. "The sunrise is... beautiful."

"It is." I nod, agree with him. I love watching those moments... Just...so fucking gorgeous and peaceful... All begins with the first sunlight chases the darkness away... The mighty sun rises up, shines so bright and proud in it's all glory, and the talented artist it is to be able paint all the black sky with it's light as the paintbrush and the bright palettes as it's tints... All those arious colors, light up the horizon and all those droplets of cloud...A sea of deep orange mixes with gold and rosy red and coal purple and coral pink... How can something be that wonderful, I don't know, but my poetic and romantic mind wooing at the think of my favorite scene.

Oh, and I love sunset too.

I suddenly realize Gaara is staring at me without blinking. I tilt my head, confused.

"What...is wrong?" Something flasjes in my mind. "Oh... Did I speak out loud?"

"...Yes."

"Oh God." So. Fucking. Embarassed!!!

I moan, hide my face with two hands as best as possible.

"Why didn't you stop meeeeeeee~?"

"I...I like your words... It's...nice..." He smiles, fainted pink dusted over his cheeks. How adorable~. "Y...You are smart..."

"You are a kind child." I laugh, not so freaking loud so that I won't wake up anyone, and pour the tea out. Jasmine hn? Not my favorite, but it's enough. I can't ask too much from the dessert right?

"Sugar?"

"..Yes please."

"I guess you have sweet tooth ne?" I give one to him, make sure it's not too hot, and back to my cup. I hate hot food, so I will just wait then.

"So...Um..." After a few more minutes of silence, Gaara looks up, the sand holds his cup for him. That's handy! Don't have to fear of being burned..."Y...You are not from the...the village right?"

"If you mean that I am not a child born from the sand and raised by the sun, then yes, yes, I am. I am from Konoha, The Village Hidden In The Leaves." I tell him, the name of my village comes out of my lips, proudly and lovingly, with all the warm memories rise up with the name. I know it ridiculous, but I love my village already, can you really blame me?

All the years spent playing with Sa-chan in the green park, watching the sparkling stars on the silk black sky through the thick crown like a box full of jewels... The noisy, lively sound when people walking and talking... It made me feel, in a werd and comforting way, that I... I am alive.

 _(And in that rare moment, I turn off all the dark whispers in my mind and focus only on the present.)_

"Did I speak out of my mind again?" I look at Gaara, who looks like he is drinking every single drop of my voice. "You know, you will make me feel like a siren if every time I say something, you keep having that expression on."

He startled, doesn't know what to do. Poor thing... I should try to be slower and calmer hn?

"Is...it a bad thing?"

"No. I'm just joking." I laugh. "Don't be so serious. You just look... adorable. Hey, is that your sand?" I point out the obvious. Cloud of golden sand hovering above our head, burns my chakra system a little more, but that's ok.

"Yes... My Sand..."

"Cool. Must be convenient." To easily crush and destroy a body less than a few seconds. "Can you do something interesting about it?"

"...I...Interesting?" He tilts his head in confusion, the sand rustles, mirrors the action.

"Yes. Like...Shape it into something cute?"

"Um..." Gaara looks down to the swirling sand, and blinks when a little cactus peaks up, bouncing up and down like an excited little pet.

Awww~

"Sweet. Make me a cat. A Siamese one. Graceful and thin and pretty with large, lazy eyes and missing one ear." My eyes probably sparkle right now, my heart's beating like crazy in hope. Fuck caution, fuck danger, fuck pain or montrous beast, fuck life. All I care about now is the chance to meet that cat I have longed for this whole time.

 _(I miss my cat. My sassy, cuddly and smartass Petal. I miss her so much.)_

The sand begins to move, molding and twitching and forming into the familiar image I have described. Not perfectly correct, but that's ok. For me to have suck luck, to capable of seeing Petal again makes me smile, a genuine one, as I reach my arms foward. Half-lifed eyes stare at me, then she casually steps into my lap, rubs the head against my cheek and licks my face with small, dry tongue.

"Aren't you beautiful?" I say, look at the red-haired boy. "Thank you so much, Gaara. This is the most lifelike thing I have ever seen."

"You...are welcome." He blushes slightly and pleasingly. "It's...nothing..."

Oh, sweet Gaara. How can I explain the happiness and relief to see something I know I can never see again in this new life? What can I do to repay you, little one?

 _You know what you can give him, don't you?_

I forget how to talk in that moment, only focus on the cat in my arms, petting her rough, grainy, sandy fur and the silent yawning of her.

 _Do you really want to give him this? Do you want to give him a friendship that won't last long?_

Shut up, voice. Shut. The. Fuck. Up.

I know what I want to do. Of course. I knew it the moment I saw him, but I was afraid that I would screw up to admit it.

Maybe... just this once, I will follow what I want...

"Hey. Don't you want to touch her too? You make her, right?" I tell him, jump off the chair and walk closer, put Petal on the table and wait. Gaara bends over, his chakra flickers at the suddenly close distance, both scared and happy. One hand holds the fuzzy teddy, another, pale and tiny gently brushes through the golden sand, barely daring to touches mine.

Ah, didn't I promise him a song? Let me see... Stronger Than You, by the lovely Garnet, seems just fits in perfectly now.

' _Well I am even more than the two of them!_ _Everything they care about is what I am!_ _I am their fury,I am their patience_ _I am a conversation!_ _I am made o-o-o-o-of_ _Lo-o-o-o-ove, o-o-o-o-ove_ _And it's stronger than you'_

My voice, still strangely breathy and husky, rises from my soul and my core, brings out every sorrow and joy and hope. It's clear to listen with all the tranquility surrounds us, echoes and flows like a soft river, a calming wind. I close my eyes, and let my feeling, my soul conquers the melody.

' _Lo-o-o-o-ove, lo-o-o-o-ove, lo-o-o-o-ove_ _And it's stronger than you_ _Lo-o-o-o-ove, lo-o-o-o-ove, lo-o-o-o-ove_ _And it's stronger than you_ _Lo-o-o-o-ove, lo-o-o-o-ove, lo-o-o-o-ove'_

We stay like that, close and quiet, enjoying the peaceful moment with the flowing of dusty wind and shiny moonlight, until the sky lights up and the freezing steps back for the heat. Orange and yellow and red takes control of the pallet, shoving the dark color away.

A new day has begun

Petal dissapears into the sand, to my moaning. My new friend, I suppose, realizes that it's dawn now, looks up and purses his lips and whines sadly.

"I...I have to go now. Yashamaru will be worried...about me..."

"That's ok. I'm grateful for your company." I flip my hair, which somehow is still neat and fabulous. "Have a good day, Gaara."

"...Can I come back..?"

"It'll be my honor, sweetie." For the first time, I reach out and hug him, carefully wrap my hands around his tiny form. "Until the day I come back to Konoha, we can spent time together, if you want."

He freezes under my touch, but, very slowly, relaxes and leans into it, craving for the rare physical contact. The dry, powdery sand encircles me, not in a deathly way, like his special way of hugging.

I watch him goes away, until I can't see the shape of scarlet red that's his hair anymore, I turn around and swallow the whole cup of cool tea left on the table. Bitterness blooms on my tongue, but doesn't chase the warm, sweet feelings in my heart away.

For the first time, I feel...happy. Real, precious happiness that doesn't relate to Sa-chan or Kizashi, that doesn't mix with any dark feelings else.

This is...rare.

And I love it.


	12. Omake: Sakura's POV

**Note: I am so thankful for your kindness~ This is some Sakura's POV from the story so far. However, I have to warned, some hearts will be broken in the future.** **Oh, I am planning for a Sakura-centric story. I love my flower so much. Hope you will enjoy both stories. Have fun, and have a good day/night.** **Still, please don't forget to comment and like~. Love you all.**

 **And forgive me for all the grammar or vocabulary mistakes. I don't have a beta. :(((**

Sakura was a happy little girl.

She had parents who loved her dearly, a wonderful twin sister who was the best sis in the world; so cool that she was sure other children would be jealous of her.

She had an ordinary life, not something too... um... traumatic, maybe, or something like that. Konoha was a great village, and she was 'lucky to be born in such a peaceful era', so Sakura was grateful to her life. Well, if those meanies in the park hadn't made fun of her forehead, it would have been better.

But that was all right. Ki said they were just being stupid and jealous of her beauty, and Ki was always right.

Sakura didn't know how to describe her endless love for Kikuko. She had always been there with Sakura, showering her with love and praise and everything. Gentle, calm, was never mad at her, patient, elegant and beautiful. Sometimes, Sakura wished she could be like her.

Sometime, she didn't.

Yes, Sakura was a child, an innocent one.

However, she was not an ignorant girl.

She noticed, and she observed.

Ki stayed in the hospital most of the time; she was so pale that if you took her out in a snowy day, you couldn't tell the difference between her skin and the snow. Her eyes, even though she smiled and smiled all the time, were dark and empty and broken and that...

That scared Sakura. Frightened her so bad that she nearly cried.

But she loved Kikuko, no matter what, so she tried. Tried to make her happier. To bring life to the night of her heart and heal what had been shattered. She couldn't.

(Oh yes, she could, but she didn't know.)

Mama...mama acted very weird... She wasn't sad anymore, and she looked cheerful... But Sakura knew better. Heck, she could taste the tension in the air, thick like butter and bitterer than the awful medicine she drank once. Mama still loved her, somehow, more than she did, but everytime she looked at sis... She...

(Sakura hugged her sister tighter everytime she saw mama watching.

'No one will take her away from me', she swore).

Papa was sad, too. Swollen eyes and hoarse voice like he had spent time crying every single night. His hair was dirty and he was very thin, like a walking stick. Papa didn't look at mama how he used to do, and Ki knew it too. Ki knew everything.

Time went by, to her childish horror, Ki looked even worse and worse. She spent more time in hospital with the 'doctors', used these ugly medicines and sat there, on the bed, hidden from the whole world.

She said she was getting better. She patted her hair and wiped Sakura's tears away from her puffy cheeks.

She said she was ok. She was not hurt and things would be better. It would be.

She was a liar.

 _(Why did Ki lie to her? It hurts)._

Sakura knew that Ki was the one they called 'smart'. She read faster than her, knew more funny things than her, better vocabulary and grammar, prettier, wiser...

So, they focused on Ki, not her.

They never noticed her or her action. So they didn't know what she knew, what she did, what she thought.

She was a good girl, a smart girl, and, pitifully, a weak girl.

Obeyed Mama, listened to Mama, completed Mama's orders. All because she was far too shy, scared, weak and helpless, she could not do anything for her _(broken)_ family, so she tried for the only thing she could.

If she were a good girl, then Mama wouldn't be mad anymore. Mama would let her be with her dearest sister, right?

She would not separate them, right?

 _Oh she did._

She wanted to take Sakura into a 'more fittable' place and aways from her 'good for nothing' sister.

"It's for your own good, baby," She said, big hands squeezing her own in a vice grip. "You will forget her soon. Now, go."

Sakura went silence. She had to be quiet and not go against Mama. She had no right to disobey, but she couldn't stay quiet. The new startled the pinkette, her mind went crazy immediately.

Forget Kikuko? Forget her sweet, sweet sister? Her protector, her guardian, her friend, the best twin sister in the whole world? To never hear her soothing lullabies, her small chuckle again? To stop holding her thin, pale hands and cuddling and hugging? To stop loving her?

"Sakura, be a good girl ok? Don't be like you bad sister. Don't disappoint Mama."

No. She never wanted to make Mama sad... But... An image flashed through Sakura's young mind. Her sister, reddish rosy hair braided and her eyes the shiniest jewel, thin face brightened up with a smile. Like a fairy, pretty and kind. Happy and whole.

And then, the light in the mid-spring green forest faded, burned down to nothing but ashes and dirt. Her lips curled up in a smile that is not quite a smile, she looked down, silently and stilly, shoulders tense, back straight and hands holding in her laps. Tired. Dead. Lifeless. Like she was carrying the weight of life by her own. Like she was broken and messed up and ripped apart. But she was too young, too small, too sick and- Sakura knew, if she let Mama took her away, Kikuko would become like that. She would be the person who hurts her sister, a wound that could never be healed.

Kikuko had done everything for Sakura. Carried those secrets that she'd never told, sheltered her from the bitter words of Mama and Papa.

 _(Steady hands covering Sakura's ears, calming voice and loving kisses, even if Kikuko's body was frozen in terror, tears keep streaming down her fragile cheeks._ _"It's ok, Sa. It's ok. Everything will be alright." Despite everything, Kikuko was still gentle and soothing, comfortably warm, like a mug of hot cocoa in an icy day. And Sakura letted the feelings take all the fears away._ _How could she be so strong? Sakura wondered. How could she be so brave? Was everything just a facade, a mask she put on to hide everything at all?)_

Sakura was too weak to help Kikuko. She wished she was stronger, not such a crybaby anymore, to stand side by side with her older twin. She couldn't, most of the time.

But this time... this time... She would rather die before she even let those silly weaknesses get in her way to defend Ki.

She snapped.

Never. Never. Nobody, she said, nobody, even if they were her dear, dear mama, would ever touch her twin. She would fight against these... these bad, stupid rules of Mama with two tiny fists, big forehead and a high-pitched screaming voice.

"Sakura! Listen to mama!"

"NO!!"

"She is not good for you! Mama knows! Listen to me!"

"I LOVE HER!!!"

She was grounded and punished, but she got to stay with Ki and that was enough to satisfy Sakura.

"Why did you do that, Sa?" Ki asked the day after, confusion painted on her features. Like she couldn't understand Sakura's reason to be so bold and stubborn. Like she didn't know how much she meant to Sakura.

So Sakura smiled at her sister, eyes filled with love, light, determinetion, and hugged her tightly.

"I love you, Ki!" Forever and always.

Sakura loved and loved her Kikuko, her twin sister. Why did she never undersrand it? She would do anything for her. Anything.

So when Ki walks in her room one day, on their trip to Suna, looking happy, relieved and relaxed, different from how she was a few days ago, Sakura is happy for her. Very.

However, still, something vicious, hot and petty slides down her throat and wraps around her little heart, crushing and cutting it like an evil vipper. Jealousy, she realizes. Why am I jealous? That's silly. She tells herself when Ki smiles at someone she can't see, but some parts in her mind, a dark voice keeps screaming like a bad banshee.

 _Am I not enough for you?_ _Do I not make you happy?_ _Do you...hate me, sis?_

Sakura keeps those selfish words in her mouth, because she doesn't want to hurt Kikuko. She doesn't want to being pushed away and break their bond, blood and love. Kikuko doesn't need to care for Sakura this time. She gives her too much, so she wants her to be happy.

 _(Even if the person who makes her happy isn't Sakura, and knowing that simple fact destroys her badly.)_

Sakura is a good, smart and kind girl. She loves her sister, Haruno Kikuko, more than everything. So for her sister, she will be anything.

You protect me, sis.

So now, I will protect you.

 _(The last time she could do it in the right way. The very, very last time.)_


	13. Suna (Part 6)

"Ki, hur'y up!! Huwwy up! I wanna see how Suna's like!" Sakura jumps up and down, waving her hands like an excited duckling.

I yawn, put on the white dress and big straw hat, stretching my body like a lazy cat. Hn, the heat are wearing me out. So tired~

"Calm down, sweety. The sand won't go away just because I decide to live slower and enjoy these moments."

"Mou! You are just being lazy!! Come onnnnnn!" She tugs at my wrist and pull with her suprisingly impressive strength. "Don't be such a wussy!!"

"Maa maa, alright alright Sa." Shaking with laughter, I put my hand on her smooth pink lock, ruffle it roughly. I am taller than her, about half a head and Sakura is stronger than my, physically. But dispite that difference, we are twin in blood and look. If I dye my hair into a shape of paler pink, change my eyes color, put some powder on my cheeks to make it a healthier white, than I am nearly the perfect copy of my little sister. "You are so lively."

"KI!! Stop messing with my hairrrrr." She pouts cutely, but eagerly lean on my thin palm. I suddenly remember the tiny boy who craves for affection worse than I do, who came to my room yesterday, yet brought me sympathy and happiness, like how Sakura does to me.

I really have a thing fo sad people hn?

...Oh fuck, what if I decide to adopt Naruto in the future. Or all the Rookie Nine? Or Sai and Kakashi and Yamato an-

Bad. Kikuko, bad girl! Bad brain! Stop imagine such things, back to reality now!

"KI!!" I jump out of my skin as Sakura shouts, hands on her hips, glaring at me impatiently. "You are ignoring me. Again!"

"Sorry, baby. Just...some random ideas."

"Mou. Let's go out, Shannaro! We can play till Mama and Papa come to get us!"

"Yes yes my dear. Everything you want." I put the kitty wallet (What? I am a kid!) into my small bag, close it carefully before follow her footstep. Don't want to lose money for lunch, right?

Just as I have thought, the air is boiling hot with all these heat from the sun, smell like dust and all bone-dry, not the best humidity to me. My red sandals sweep on the rough path, creates all this sandy sound, the sound you hear when someone crunches sand in their mouth. I open my mouth to release this unpleasant feeling of sunshine scorching my poor skin, even though I am hiding under several layers of clothes.

Wait, did I just make a sand puns?

Fantastic.

"Ki!! Let go play!" Sakura points at some bunch of strange kids on the other side of the park. I frown.

I never play with kids before... Don't take me wrong. I don't look down on them just because I am an adult or some bullshits like that. It just feels... awkward, uncomfortable. They look the word with a pair of roses-colored glasses, while I can't. I try, mind you, try to be young, optimism and cheerful...but...

 _("Ugly!"_

 _"Fake!"_

 _"Stupid!!"_

 _"Worthless!"_

 _"I hope she is not deaf you know, deaf and fat. Who will like someone like her, hn?"_

 _What have I done? Why did I do it? Why did I try to get their attention?_

 _'Creekkkkkkkkk!'_

 _Bonely white, dark red mixed with muddy brown..._

 _Cold...)_

I can't. Not after everything. Not after that... traumatic experience and...the life of Iris. _Nhi_.

I was childish, loud, brave. Once. And then... I wasn't.

How can I let myself all out now, when I have been used of hiding it behind a good girl mask?

"...No, Sa. I think...I will enjoy sitting there... It will be better, you know. I don't like social interaction... a lot..." I give her a sorry smile. Sakura is strangely quiet, with her green eyes focus directly on mine. "What's wrong, sweety?" Why do you look so... lost?

"...Ok. I will play with them, and after that, can we have ice cream?"

"Of course, Sa. Now go, enjoy youth as far as you can~" I wave at her as she turns and runs to those kids. Standing there by myself, I breath out, heavily, tiredness completely takes over my entire body.

Why do I always feel so fucking old? I'm just...what, 4 or 5?

 _(36. Somthing reverberated in the back of my mind. 36 years old.)_

Oh just Shut up!

"Why must it be so hotttttt-" Suddenly, the sunlight dissapears. I am cover by a large, cozy shadow, but there is no tree near me. Is there a Nara? Wait...

This...rustling sound...

I look up, and to confirm my doubt, a cloud of sand is hovering right on top of my head, like a large palm shielding me against the fucking sun.

...That...that cutie... How dare him! How dare him to melt my heart like this?

I feel something more than just the tickling (I get used to the pain now, hn?) of Shukaku's chakra. 2, or 3 other people are near us, the waves of their energy are fast and short. Nervous, maybe, and scared?

Ah, the Anbu, Gaara's watchers.

I bite down my life. God, I don't want to attract the Kazekage's surveillance. That brings nothing good, to my family or to me. Ninjas are all but paranoia and doubt tucks inside thick skin, shaped into human-like creatures. They won't notice a little child, but a child who is near to their... tool? **(fuck them. Gaara is not just a tool!!)**

I wonder when will he kill me? Maybe the Kazakage won't. He doesn't want to trigger Konoha... But I am just a civillian... no one important...

Hot, scarping sand touches my hand. As a result, I jump out of my skin and squeak, loudly, looking around for danger, only to find a sentence written in sand, holding right under my nose.

'Kikuko, Why are you so...pale? Why are you shaking'

After reading that, I notice how my breath hitching, my heart's beating so fast it actually hurts the ribcages and shakes my body. My throat feels like it has twisted in a mess that takes all the precious air from me. My head's light, spinning. Not a panick attack, but can give me some issue aftermath. How lucky... I cough, violently, to get some sweet, oxygen, bending my back while letting the sand supports me.

'What's wrong? Are you hurts?'

"Oh...It's nothing, Gaara. I am just...worried... I am always worried" Don't know how to answer, I just murmur, trying to be quiet as much as possible. Why must I be such, borrow Sakura's word, a wuss? To freak out and panicked over a small think... Damn, I am hopeless.

The sand rumbles, ah he can hear me, good, before the words change, hesitatedly.

'Is it...because of...me?'

"No. Of course no, don't be so silly. Why will I be worried of a little red panda?" Giggles blooming from my throat as I sit down on the near swing, soothing my fear. "Where are you now? I can't see you, and how do you do this? That's cool."

'On the mountain. The pe...people...they hate me... I don't want to scare them...'

Awwwwwww... Oh god, My heart...

"You are a kind child." I repeat softly, petting the sand like praising a little kid.

'You are kind too.' A small cactus appears in the sand, waving shyly, causing me to purr. Cuteness. Overload~

"Hey, can you push me? I want to fly." I rock my petite legs, which are still too short to touch the ground. The sand swirles.

'Push?'

"Yes." I blinks, let out some playfulness whine. "Pwease?"

'..Oh, Ok.'

Rusty, dry cloud touches my back, gently pushes me forward, keeping me in the safe zone of umbradge. My hearty, merry laughter can be heard ringing through the park, without any care to this world. Reddish hair fall off the braid, my skirt gets dirty and my body goes slightly numb, but I don't care. In this moment, for once I act true to my body's age. A child. A baby. An innocence.

...A living child.

 _(Not for long.)_

When the swing reaches the perfect height, I let go of the string and fly in the air. It's not very high, actually, and my body is light enough for me to land gracefully, in a ballet position as a reflex. However, just as I expect, the golden sand easily catches me, places me down carefully before dissapears. Hm? Maybe he is busy...

"Thank you." I shout, smiling as the sand waves back. It doesn't last long, my cheeky mood. After the andreline has cooled down completely, the bubbling feelings in my chest begins to fade.

Oh dear... What did I do? I can't believe that I am just... How can I? I was being so...

So...

 _(Freaky! Fake! Annoying! Disturbing!)_

...Happy.

How long since the last time I be so damn...immature?

I...I can't deny it anymore. The warmth raises in my chest whenever I smile, truly smile, ignoring the dead end waiting for me at the end of the path, just enjoying the present.

...I want t-

No. No. This is wrong. Don't feel. Conceal. You will die soon, so just stop caring.

 _(How? You can't stop the heart from loving, something as natural as beating.)_

I shake my head, purse the lips tight. The sweet, gentle warmth won't dissapear though.

 _(I don't want it to.)_

"Ki!" Sakura runs back to me, covered in sweat, cheeks flushing a deep blush. "Lets have some ice cream now!"

I am too distracted too notice her strange smile, her tighten fist or the longing, jealous hiding deep inside the emerald eyes. I just nod, silently, lips curled in a smile that more like a habit, an act.

"Everything you want, baby."

I do everything for you, Sakura, my twin. I do it for my family. I don't need anything.

 _(Liar. Filthy liar!)_

We walk back to the nearby shop, hand in hand. No, scratch that. Not walk, because my baby cherry blossom is dragging me with her bull-like power.

"ICE CREAM ICE CREAM ICE CREAM!!"

"Sweety, slow down!" I hiss. "I gonna drop the bag! Slow down! The ice cream won't go anywhere, Sa!"

"...Ok." She puffs, but listens and calms down a little. That's an improvement. My body is flexible strong and graceful due to the dancing practice, the weight of all the books I always carry with me, but I seriously lack stamina.

Welp, we can't have everything, right?

"One stawberry and one matcha, please."

"Here you go." The ice cream is more like shaved ice with sirup and cream pour on top. I mourn for the tasty, rich, creamy taste I have loved in my past life. Maybe one day I will learn to make real, real ice cream! Yes, yes!!! It will be the gloriest day of desert history!!!

"Is it delicious, Sa?"

"Yes!! The best!!" Well, not really. The ice is not very soft, the sirup is too sweet. Freaking sweet. My tongue are gonna root because of this...ice cream. _(Gaara will love these, as much as Sakura)_ Worth it all, though, to look at the toothy smile she's giving to me.

"That's good. Did you have fun, Sa?"

"I do! We play hide and seek. Some kids asked about my weird hair color, but they are not very mean, so I don't care. Shannaro! I hid behind the tree and waited for the kid and then bam! I slammed my hand to the trunk! He is too slow, ya know!" She enthusiastically tells me the story. I stay silent, listen to her baby, high-pitch tone which brings me tranquility in this whole world of pain, death, lost and hatred.

"..-i! Did you have fun?" A small hand pokes me. I blink.

"...What?"

"Mou! I ask, did you have fun in the park?

"...Yes I did." I did have fun. Just...not pure fun... My face feels so tense right now, yet for her, I smile. "It's...interesting, Sa. I am happy." Turn back to the melting ice in my hand, I lick them, flinch at the overwhelming sweet.

Not matcha! Muu~. Still, better than nothing. I raise my jand again, open mouth wide-

"...Neh, Ki-neechan. You don't need to smile if you don't feel like it, you know."

What? I freeze, the ice is halfway to my mouth, drop down to the heating ground.

"...What do you mean, Sa?"

"What, do I mean? I mean what I just told you!!!" She looks up, eyes burning a bright green flames. "You smile everytime, but it...it's not real! Like a smile on the doll face!! You are just so tired and sad and... and I don't like that! I-I just can't understand wh...why?! Why don't I make you happy...like you were this morning?" Her eyes are glimming with tears right now. _(Nonononononono)_ "Is it...me? Is it my fault? All because of...me? Do you...not love me?"

My heart doesn't break the moments I see my sister kneels down, crying like a big baby, eyes red and hands rise up to the round cheeks. No. It is shattered to pieces and pieces, crumbled to dust than comes back to stab me until I bleed all my blood out.

"Sa...no, baby, it...it's never like that..." I feel so clumsy right now. Clumsy and angry to myself. My sister is crying, and it's all my fault. Mine. Only mine. How can I make her feel like this? _(Useless, A spare. Unloved)_ How can I make her feel what I had felt before? I love her, love her so much that I live for her. That I try to fight and live until destiny takes me away. I love her so much it hurts me. Why? Why? Did I still not love her enough? Did I hurt her somehow with my stupidity? Were I being a bad gir-

Realization breaks out of my brain. Of course. Of fucking course. Sakura's pain... is created by my action... because... because I'm so fucking busy being a coward and worying about the future years far from now on, that I forget how important the present is. They are humans, my family, all humans, they have emotion, so that's just natural for them to get attached to another human, bound by blood and memories. A bond that stronger with time and require no price to pay.

And I am afraid of it. Afraid that when I am gone, I will hurt them, so I try to reject that precious bond without second think. In the end, by trying to protect them, I hurt them instead. It takes me years to understand this simple _(not really)_ fact.

No matter...no matter why you think that... I don't care for you...

"Sa...I am so sorry." I hug her, tightly, kiss her tears away and let her leans on my shoulder. "I...I never know... I love you, my twin. You are my sunshine, my happiness. I love you, with all my heart."

"...Please... I only want you to...to be happy..." Sakura sobs, pulling at my dress. "I want you to be happy...for you...do what you want... I want you to...smile in true happiness... I want you to...live.."

My mind flashes back to the last words Gaara sent to me, the small form of Petal appears with it.

'Don't be so sad. I want to see you smile.'

I...I... want...I want... _(desire, crave, wish, hope)_

I just want to be loved...to be happy and accepted as wh...who I am.

I want to live...for me...

In that fateful day, with the love of two children and the heart-stroking words comes from them... I stop bottling all the emotion inside my soul, my heart.

I cry. And...it's ok.

I will live.

I want to live.

Not just for Sakura, Kizashi, Konoha nor Gaara.

For me.

I will do it, for me.


End file.
